Handling Rejection in Dating

Handling rejection is brutal.  It’s no joke.  Rejection can tear you apart.

Is it worse to not hear from someone after you have messaged them or to get a polite, “I’m not interested in you” response?

This is a tough answer, because they both suck.  They both emotionally feel bad for most people. Rejection in love always stings.

It depends on what kind of person you are.  For many of us the unknown causes a lot of anxiety and stress.  You send a message to someone online and you don’t hear back from them…one hour…five hours…a day…two days…three days.

By the third day you are on the edge of your seat with anxiety and you have no idea what’s going on.  Are they going to respond?  Do they hate your pictures?  Your profile?  Did you send the wrong message?  Bad timing?

For many people that unknown is worse.  You are thinking of all kinds of things in your mind about what that person is doing.   What that person is thinking about you.   The different scenarios you imagine can be a lot worse than the reality.

Sometimes a person will give you a polite rejection, “Hey, I don’t think we are compatible,” or “I don’t feel chemistry with you.”

Those are common nice ways of rejecting someone.

You need to remember that dating is a numbers game.  Of course, you want to take the right steps at the right time.  This helps to significantly increase your chances of finding the right person for you. It reduces your numbers a lot, but it is still a numbers game.

90% of the people you see in an online dating site are either, 1) not compatible with you, so not a good match for you, or 2) they are not interested in you or are burnt out and not really active online.

I often compare online dating to going to the gym.  That is how a lot of us treat dating.  You sign up for an online dating site and are very excited.   For a month or two you are very active.  You’re messaging people.  Sending winks and smiles. You are voraciously responding to message.   You are going out on dates.   The problem is you don’t see immediate results.  After four weeks…six weeks…eight weeks, you get burnt out.  You feel discouraged.

Maybe something in life happens and you aren’t active for a month…two months…three months.  You’re still on the site, but are just not active.  You aren’t checking your emails.  You’re avoiding the emails from that dating site.  You’re fed up with dating for the time being.  That happens a lot.

Isn’t this similar to how many of us use the gym?  You sign up for a gym membership.   You get excited and you work out regularly for a short time.  You don’t see results immediately.  You get discouraged and stop going for a while.  You don’t cancel our membership, but simply stop going or are going a lot less frequently.

Next thing you know, it’s a holiday and you feel lonely.  You feel fat.  Your parents or family members say something to you about not being married or not having a boyfriend.

In the gym example, someone says something to you about your weight.  It’s summer and you want to wear that bathing suit.  You want to look great in a dress for someone’s wedding.

Something happens and you go back to the gym.   You go back to the online dating site and you go full boar again trying to find your match or trying to lose weight. In a month or two you get burned out and you quit for a while again, and the cycle repeats itself over and over.  That happens all the time.

The key with online dating, whether you aren’t getting responses or people are rejecting you in a nice way is to remember, don’t take it personally.

It is a numbers game.

90% of the people won’t be a good match for you for one.  Either they are not compatible with you or they aren’t in the right place to be with you.  Your job is to keep going.  It is just like losing weight, you have got to keep going to the gym to see consistent improvements.  You won’t see results right away unless you get lucky, but over time you will see results.  If you are doing the right things at the right times and you stick to it, you will find the right person for you.

Get out there, flirt, communicate and talk to people.  Eventually you will find the right person if you are taking consistent action every week.

handling rejectionitunesbooHandling Rejection in Dating

Say yes to love,

Dr. Michael Arn & Dr. Ashley Arn