There is an overweight, gray haired man whose charisma is so powerful that even celebrity men and women fall all over his every word. He makes each person he meets feel special. When he looks at you, he makes you feel like the most important person in the world at that moment. He makes eye contact so deep and intimate that people are mesmerized and have a feeling of “we are the only two people in the room”. People, who have completely disliked his opinions and decisions, have walked away from face to face encounters with respect and admiration for him personally. People just seem to like him. He literally shines a spotlight of attention, interest and curiosity on each person he comes in contact with. His ability to use his spotlight is one of the qualities he is best known for and it has helped him cultivate a huge amount of charisma.
His name is Bill Clinton.
Why How to Have Charisma Matters to You
We don’t make logical decisions about liking others. We just feel it. We like them or we don’t. It is an emotional gut level decision 99% of the time. After we’ve decided if we like someone or not, we come up with logical reasons to justify our decision.
Having charisma by using your spotlight is the secret sauce to other people liking you. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, attracting another person largely comes down to your charm and charisma. Even if you have movie star good looks, you need charisma to be attractive to someone for the long haul.
Charisma can help you make a sale, start a friendship, land a new job or attract your soul mate. The power of having charisma is immense. If you learn to how to have charisma by using your spotlight people will like you, will want to be around you and will feel that you genuinely care about them.
But I’m already in a Relationship
If you want to drastically alter the dynamics of a current relationship, try using your spotlight on your partner.
Often when we first start dating someone, we use our spotlight quite often. You make flirtatious eye contact and are interested in what the other person is saying. (If you’re having problems dating or attracting someone, maybe you are not using your spotlight.)
After courting someone, we start to use our spotlight less and less. Sure you’re talking with each other, but you’re mentally not there. You’re thinking about work, you’re checking your phone, you’re thinking about whatever important thing you want to say next, and you’re just not focused on the other person.
How to Have Charisma By using Your Spotlight
I want you to have the ability to blind others with your charisma spotlight. I want others to feel so connected and close to you that they can’t help but like you. If you’re in the dating world, I want you to be able to use your spotlight to attract people that are worthy of you. If you’re in a relationship, I want you to be able to feel attraction, love and deep connection with your partner. If you use your spotlight, you can do all of that and much more, maybe even become president some day.
1. Fully focus on One person
Have you ever been talking to someone, but you knew that they were thinking about something else? That’s how most of us listen to others. With facebook, smartphones, busy work schedules etc. it is difficult to focus on only one thing or person. When you’re talking to someone be fully present and focus all of your attention on that person and nothing else. Really think about what the person is saying. Think about follow up questions to ask about what the person is saying.
2. Lingering Eye Contact
Instead of darting your eyes all over the room, focus your gaze on one person at a time. Put down whatever you’re doing and look directly at the person. Hold eye contact past what normally feels comfortable. When you do look away, don’t look at other people or at the person’s body (I’m talking to men here) and look back into the person’s eyes fairly quickly. You can switch back and forth from one eye to the other eye to his or her mouth. You can also look right between their eyes at the bridge of his or her nose. Steve Jobs and Bill Clinton are well known for making intense eye contact, and it is a skill you can learn if you can bear a little un-comfortableness at first. Mickey Rourke in 9 ½ weeks is a good example from the movies of someone who uses lingering eye contact.
3. Warm Facial Expressions
I’m not saying you need to plaster a fake smile on your face, but you should smile probably more than you normally do. I once watched myself during a conversation that was being videotaped and I was shocked at my wooden, cold blooded killer expression. I thought I was being empathetic, but my face certainly wasn’t conveying it. Also nodding your head up and down conveys interest in the other person.
4. Use the Vacuum
When talking with others, we often interrupt, push our opinions, and talk over them. Instead, you can ask questions and use the vacuum. The vacuum is very powerful, because people aren’t used to it. Simply ask a question and wait for the other person to start talking. This can be difficult when your question is followed by silence, but if you can shut up and endure the awkward silence long enough, the vacuum will suck the other person into talking.
5. Mirror the Person’s Facial Expressions, Posture and Voice tone
Allow the other person to talk without giving advice or your opinion about what he or she should do. All you have to do is mirror back the message the other person is trying to convey to you non-verbally. For example, if you come home and your boyfriend is telling you about a situation at work that he’s angry about, follow his non-verbal lead. If he’s making an angry expression, make an angry expression while listening to convey you’re getting it. If he’s talking quickly and in an angry tone, respond with a quick frustrated voice of your own, signaling you’re understanding how angry this makes him. If he’s standing with a tense posture, tense your muscles while standing. Don’t worry you don’t have to do this forever. Just mirror the other person’s facial expressions, posture and voice tone for a couple of minutes to convey that you’re getting it and then go back to what feels natural for you.
6. It’s an Attitude
Shining your spotlight on someone is more of an attitude than anything else. You’re conveying that you’re interested in the other person and curious about what he or she has to say. You’re conveying that right now, in this moment, this person is most important to me and has my full attention.
Say Yes to Love,