Improve Your Self Image to Improve Your Love Life


What is your self image?

Your self image is your map or mental blueprint of yourself.



It is how you picture and think about yourself. What you see yourself being able to do and be. How you see your strengths and limitations, successes and failures.


We all have a self image, but you may or may not be conscious of yours. Self image is frequently changing, except if you didn’t know to update yours, than you might be stuck with a self image from your childhood or from years ago.


Most people have a very negative self image, built from past failures, mistakes, bad experiences and negative things other people have told them about themselves in the past.


We know a woman named Kristy whose parents divorced when she was 9 years old. She was also fat in her childhood and was teased for her excess blubber at school. Most of her older family members didn’t have great marriages and she witnessed a lot of relationships falling apart. She also had a string of unsuccessful relationships in her late teens and throughout her 20’s.


In her 20’s, she began to learn more about nutrition and exercise and she lost a lot of weight. In fact she looked hot and was getting attention from many guys solely from her looks for the first time in her life. She secretly liked getting this kind of attention. Before, guys usually only felt attraction for her after getting to know her and discovering how smart and funny she was.


At 31 years old, she met an up and coming television producer. You know, the kind of guy who’s about to break into the big leagues at any moment. They fell in love and got married. But, something was wrong. Despite having a good career, having successfully got healthy and lost weight, and successfully attracted and married her best friend and husband, Kristy still didn’t see herself as someone who did those kinds of things.


Her self image wasn’t congruent with the woman she is today. She still saw herself as fat, ugly and as someone who would never have a loving and passionate marriage. Anytime she made a mistake or ate something unhealthy she said to herself “Here I go again, I’ll be fat again in a month from now”. Anytime she had challenges in her marriage, she thought “this relationship will end in nothing but pain and loneliness”.


Her self image was that of a fat, ugly, unsuccessful and lonely woman, even though all the facts and evidence in her life pointed to the opposite.


If Kristy doesn’t change her self image, there is a good chance she will be fat again and her marriage will fail.


Your self image is one of the most powerful secret forces guiding your life.


Once an idea or belief about yourself becomes part of your self image, you believe it to be true. You act is if it were true and you look for events or facts in your life to support your self image.


Your self image determines your thoughts, feelings and behaviors at any given moment.



Your self image is why positive thinking often doesn’t work.


If you have a self image that you “can’t ever make relationships work” or that you “always choose the wrong guy”, then no amount of positive thinking about your love life will help you.


Your self image is like a rubber band and it will snap you back into itself even if you try to stretch it with some positive thinking.


Now are we saying positive thinking is bad?


What we are saying is that if you want to find love and make it last you need to start with changing your self image and not with positive thinking.


You want to create a strong self image that expresses the authentic you, the best you.


Up until now, you probably had very little conscious input into creating your self image. You probably do not have your current self image by choice or on purpose. But, going forward you can choose your self image and create your self image on purpose.


You can change your self image by using your mind in a different way than you probably have before. By creating a habit of using your memories and imagination in a specific way, you can create a new self image.


For just 2 minutes per day, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths to relax and remember 2 past successes you have had as though they were happening right now. Watch a detailed movie of those past successes playing right now in your mind until you feel the successful, good, and confident feeling.


Now, allow a picture in your mind to pop up of your new self image. You want to see your ideal self as though you were that person right now. Notice how your ideal self walks, talks, sounds, moves and interacts with others. As your feeling successful, confident and can see, hear and feel your ideal self, watch your ideal self go through your upcoming day.


That’s it. That won’t solve all your problems, but by practicing small exercises like this you can start to change your self image and change your love life dramatically.


Say Yes to Love,

Dr. Michael Arn & Dr. Ashley Arn