Where the Hell Are You….In Your Love Life

 

We love San Francisco. We love going there for weekend romantic getaways. In fact, our favorite Italian restaurant in the whole world is there, Franchino’s. It’s the kind of restaurant where it feels like your mother is doing the cooking, only its a version of your mother that is an even better cook. It’s run by an Italian family. The father is the host and runs the front end of the restaurant (every day is his birthday apparently), the mother is the cook, and the son and daughter are the waiter and waitress. They cook the best Italian food we’ve ever had and it’s located in Little Italy in San Francisco.

 

The first time we went there, there was a long wait to get a table because the food is so mouthwatering good, and the owner brought us out two glasses of red wine to drink and enjoy while we were waiting outside on the sidewalk.

 

Now that’s how you treat your customers (even though we’re not sure it’s even legal to drink wine on the sidewalk) but it made us feel special.

 

On one of our trips we went there and had a wonderful, amazing meal, red wine, and good conversation. Afterwards we went for a little walk, actually a long walk. We wondered through Little Italy and into other areas of San Francisco. And we kept walking and walking. We had a map with us because we eventually wanted to go to Ghirardelli Square and have some amazing milk chocolate dessert. After walking for a while, we pulled out our map and located Ghirardelli Square. There was a slight problem though…..

 

As we looked at the map, Michael said okay that’s where we want to go but where the hell are we? Although we knew what we wanted and where we wanted to go, we had no clue where the hell we were.

 

Now how does this relate to your love life?

 

 

Well, it does, and we’re about to tell you how.

 

Many of our clients, when they come to see us for counseling, know what kind of relationship they want or the kind of partner they want or even how they’d like their current relationship to change for the better. And that’s good, you should know that. But often they don’t have a clue where they currently are in their relationship or love life.

 

Do you know where you are now in your relationship or in your love life?

 

 

If you don’t know where you are now you won’t know how to get to where you want to go. It was the same problem we had in San Francisco. We knew where we wanted to go, but we didn’t know where we were.

 

So back to the story, as we looked at the map we couldn’t figure out how to get to Ghirardelli Square. We kept walking and walking. It was kind of late at night so there weren’t very many people outside. We eventually ran into someone and asked, well, where are we? (hey what a novel idea, especially for the men out there) And he told us, in fact our new friend showed us where we were on the map. ah-ha! Victory! Fireworks bursting in the air! Ya we know we’re dramatic sometimes but it really did feel great and comforting to know where we were. It only took a few seconds to chart a course to get to Ghirardelli Square once we knew where we were…… And the same thing is true of your love life.

 

The secret key to transforming your love life is to know where you are now and where you want to go in the future. You have to have both or it doesn’t work.

 

Let’s take a look at the different places you could be in your love life

  1. You’re single and avoiding a relationship at all costs
  2. You’re single and stuck in your last relationship (mentally and emotionally)
  3. You’re single and ready to mingle
  4. You’re in a relationship but your looking for a way out
  5. You’re in a relationship with little passion and little love
  6. You’re in a relationship with passion but little love
  7. You’re in a relationship with love but little passion
  8. You’re in a relationship with lots of love and passion

You’re single and avoiding a relationship at all costs

 

In this place you have been so hurt by previous experiences or by watching other people’s bad relationship experiences (parents, family members, friends) that you have decided it’s better to avoid love because it only ends in heartache and misery. It may feel safer and more comfortable to you to be single forever than to take the risk of dating one more time.

 

You’re single and stuck in your last relationship (mentally and emotionally)

You are single but you’re still mentally and emotionally involved with your last lover. Maybe you still have sex with him/her occasionally or maybe you just relive fights with the person in your mind. You might be co-parenting and even working out schedules for the kids leaves you back in that painful emotional place you were when you were together. You feel like it’s almost impossible to move on and date again because your emotional energy is still with this other person. You’re friends and family may have told you to just to move on but for some reason you haven’t been able to.

You’re single and ready to mingle

You are ready to find love and make it last. You don’t ever want to settle again and you want to find Mr./Mrs. Right. You may be struggling with navigating the dating world, trying to figure out online dating or meet up groups. Your not in college anymore so pounding jaeger bombs and making out with someone at the bar isn’t your thing. Your friends may be trying to set you up with every person they know that they think is right for you (meaning he/she doesn’t have a felony criminal record).

You’re in a relationship but your looking for a way out

Yes, your in a relationship but not really….. You are looking for a way out or a good reason to end it. Mentally and emotionally you’ve already left and you are just waiting for “the right time” or for your partner to end it. Maybe you’ve been focusing more on your work, kids or other interests to avoid your partner. Maybe you’ve been thinking about what your going to do once you do leave such as going back to school, moving out of state, or looking up your ex-lover from high-school.

You’re in a relationship with little passion and little love

You and your partner are roommates. There is little to no passion, attraction and sexual chemistry. There is also little love between the two of you. You just sort of pass each other by with little involvement day to day. You may feel resentment toward your partner but mainly you don’t feel anything….just blahh. The relationship is too comfortable to leave but too bad to stay so your in limbo.

You’re in a relationship with passion but little love

In this place, you and your lover have lots of passion. You have an undeniable sexual chemistry and attraction for each other. The sex is good…too good in fact because you might know this person isn’t right for you long term but can’t get enough right now. You don’t love each other, don’t have similar interests or values but damn the sex is good.

You’re in a relationship with love but little passion

Your in love with your partner but you have little passion, attraction and sexual chemistry. Maybe you’re very close with your partner and best friends. Maybe kids, work and other stressors have gotten in the way of romance and passion. Most people would say you have a great relationship. However, you miss the exciting feeling of passion, romance and attraction (so you settle for reading fifty shades of grey)

You’re in a relationship with lots of love and passion

Your relationship is full of love and passion and you want to keep it that way. You know that a relationship is either growing or deteriorating so you want to keep evolving with your lover in ways that support your love and passion.

 

So those are the 8 places you could be in your love life. Take a few minutes, be honest with yourself and think about what place you are at.

 

You don’t have to make any changes today (that’s coming later), but simply evaluate where you are currently in your love life. This will help you to create the map of your love life and eventually get to where you want to go.

 

Say Yes to Love,

Dr. Michael Arn & Dr. Ashley Arn