Spice Up Your Relationship by Making More Mistakes

Learn how to spice up your relationship by doing something counter intuitive.

Do you feel like your relationship is stuck?

Looking to spice up your relationship and grow as a couple?

Many couples get stuck in a rut, doing the same things over and over again. In fact, when we aren’t happy in a relationship, we often just step up what we normally do. We do it more often and more intensely.

So, if we’ve been trying to get our partner to understand our point of view to no avail, we’ll usually try even harder to get our partner to accept our opinion, by using more extreme versions of our normal strategy. This leads to yelling, demanding, persuading or arguing.

What started out as two people having different opinions about something has now turned into anger fueled arguments.

Instead of conflict, you could also have just fallen into a comfortable malaise with your partner. You don’t argue about much, you get along for the most part, but the spark is gone.

In either situation, you probably feel stuck and aren’t sure how to get out of this rut or spice up your relationship.

Knowledge is Power

When we have problems or even just want to turn something from good to great in our lives, we seek knowledge. We read books, blogs and whatever we can get our hands on to improve the situation. There have been a couple instances in our lives, where we’ve sought this knowledge for years without seeing any real positive results. We were sure we could overcome our problems by seeking more information and “knowing” more about the situation.

Maybe in your relationship, you’ve started reading relationship books, seen a counselor, or sought advice from your friends.

When we have a problem, most of us believe that we need more knowledge. We like to endlessly theorize in our minds about why things are happening and what’s the best path to solve our problems.

Our theories about our problems usually just lead to more theories. Worst of all, these theories could be completely false and purely mental gymnastics.

Knowledge is only Potential Power

We don’t believe that knowledge is power. We believe that knowledge is only potential power. If you want to turn knowledge into power, you need to combine it with action and experimentation.

Most of us waste our knowledge and power by failing to take action. We often fail to take action out of fear, lack of motivation, or by trying to avoid making mistakes and failing.

We love to read psychology and self-help books. There is nothing more that we hate or ignore more often than the exercises they usually have at the end of the chapters. Even though the author tells us at the beginning of the book that we “must” do the exercises to get results, we rarely believe him or her. We completely believe that our thinking and theorizing will get us the results we’re looking for. At least that’s what we want to believe.

When we don’t see improvement, we make every excuse and desperately try to justify our own inaction. We usually blame the author, the information, or someone else completely. We than continue searching for more new information and the cycle continues.

Spice up Your Relationship by Making Mistakes and Doubling Your Failure Rate

Taking action and experimenting is the best way to spice up your relationship. If you want to grow as a person and as a couple, nothing could help you more than experimenting with doing something new and making mistakes.

We’re not suggesting you take drastic risks, but we are suggesting you can get unstuck by doing short experiments with new small actions.

So, if you normally come home from work and go instantly upstairs to change clothes, you could experiment by coming home with a big smile and instantly greeting your partner as if you haven’t seen him or her in awhile.

Or

If you would normally argue with your partner about money at the dinner table, argue about money in your car instead. If you normally argue at night try arguing in the morning.

Anytime you experiment with doing something new, you will get real world feedback on whether it works or not. Sometimes you will fall flat on your face and other times you will open up your relationship to a whole new realm of possibilities.

The main point, is that you will be getting real world feedback, which will help you much more than 20 years of collecting information and theorizing in your head ever could.

Even if you completely fail (which we don’t actually believe in anyway) and fall flat on your face, at least you are moving forward.

You can experiment with doing something new for a couple of hours, days, weeks or for a whole month. We personally have gotten the best results from committing to doing something new for a week, and if we get somewhat positive results turning it into a 30 day experiment.

When you experiment with new actions, you will make more mistakes and experience more “failures”. One way we believe you can actually get yourself to do something new is by actively trying to double your failure rate and make more mistakes.

We believe that making more mistakes isn’t a sign of weakness or imperfection. To us, making mistakes and failing is a key ingredient to evolving and growing as a couple. If you consistently take small new actions and actually seek out mistakes (real world feedback) you will find it very hard to get stuck in a rut.

Experiment with small changes in:

  • The tone of your voice
  • How you stand or use your body
  • How you breathe
  • What kind of eye contact you make with your partner
  • Facial expressions
  • Reactions to your partner
  • Where you do things
  • What time you do things
  • How long you do things
  • How you start or end interactions
  • The mode of expression you use (speaking vs. texting vs. email vs. phone vs. letter)
  • What you focus on
  • What things mean to you
  • What questions you ask yourself
  • What you tell yourself about your partner

Here is the best recipe we’ve found to spice up your relationship, grow as a couple, and achieve any kind of results you’re looking for:

  • Tell yourself that making mistakes and failing more in your relationship is awesome, as long as you’re intending to improve the relationship, yourself or get closer to your partner.

 

  • One Cup of learning new Information = only seek small amounts of new information about how to improve your relationship (much smaller than you think) or revisit small amounts of your knowledge that you haven’t acted on yet. Maybe you read one chapter of a book and then experiment with doing what the author is talking about.

 

  • Two Cups of Doing something new and Experimenting = Put the majority of your energy into experimenting with doing anything small and new. Experiment for hours, days, weeks or even a month if the feedback you get is positive.

 

  • While experimenting with doing something new, notice your results and real world feedback from your partner (it is important not to get too attached to any new behavior at this point. If it isn’t working, throw it out and move on.)

 

  • If you like your results continue doing what you’re doing. If you don’t like your results, learn a new small amount of information or better yet try a new small action.

 

Say Yes to Love,

Dr. Michael Arn & Dr. Ashley Arn